My purpose in writing this post isn't to attack the LDS church or to pull anyone away from their faith. I feel like there are a lot of misconceptions when people choose to leave Mormonism and I want to share our story to hopefully clarify any questions people might have about why we left.
This journey has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. Leaving the Mormon church was a decision I made after months of endless research and sleepless nights. Mormonism was part of my identity and culture; 99% of my friends were Mormon and all my family members are active in the church. The thought of leaving made me feel so anxious and alone. What if my friends and family stopped talking to me? What would I do without a ward as my community? I am so lucky that Scott and I were on the same page and we leaned on each other for support as we went through this process together. Although it hasn't been easy I can say that we are both SO much happier now and we feel like we're living more fulfilling lives.
Our Faith Journey
Scott and I have always been the “textbook Mormons”. Baptized at 8, grew up in the gospel, went to BYUI, married in the temple. Scott is a returned missionary and most recently served as the elder’s quorum president.
Although we were faithful members, we have both had questions about the LDS doctrine for a while. For me they started in 2015 when a policy was announced that children of LGBT parents weren't allowed to be baptized until they were 18 (for most children the age is 8). If they did decide to be baptized they had to denounce their parent's lifestyle. This policy didn't make any sense to me at all and I really struggled with it. I felt like it went against Christ's teachings to "love one another" and accept everyone without judgement. We had lessons on the policy change in church and I remember cringing and squirming in my seat as I listened to the leaders explain the change. Scott didn't agree with it either but we ultimately decided not to question it. We felt it was the one true church at the time and that this was what God wanted.
Over the next few years we continued to have a few doubts and questions about various aspects of the church but we kept them to ourselves. We continued going to church, paying tithing and serving in callings (volunteer positions).
When we moved to Utah going to church became a struggle. We both agreed we didn't get much out of the lessons and wrestling a 1 year old for 3 hours of church seemed like more trouble than it was worth. One Sunday we left church early and we talked about why we continued to go. We told each other about all the doubts and questions we had for years. We listed them all out and decided we would research them and try to find answers to strengthen our faith. Our list started out pretty small with questions about the double standards in the word of wisdom, racial discrimination and the priesthood, and polygamy.
We started out with the gospel topics essays on LDS.org that were written to address controversial topics in the church (you can read them here). As I read through the essays I began learning about even more issues I hadn't known about before.
A big one for me was Joseph Smith's 4 different versions of the first vision. I had been taught one version of the story since I was a little girl in primary. I had been told that Joseph seeing God and Jesus was the foundation of our religion (it's one of the first things missionaries teach when people are investigating the church). I always thought any other version of the first vision story was just an "anti-Mormon lie" but here were 3 other versions told by Joseph Smith. The only one he actually wrote down told a different story than the one the church teaches.
As I read more I discovered facts about the translation of the Book of Abraham, the true history of polygamy and I learned that the Book of Mormon translation process was completely different than the story I had been told my entire life. As these facts began to unravel I felt deceived and confused.
Scott and I decided to meet with our bishop to talk about the things we discovered and see if he could clarify them for us. He was very kind and listened to our story but he unfortunately didn't have any answers or an explanation. He told us he wasn't sure why the stories were different and that we needed to continue to pray to know that it was true. We went home feeling so confused; how could we pray if we didn't know which version of the story was the truth? How can you ask God to give you a testimony of things you know are false or just wrong?
We continued to research church history and it completely consumed our lives for a few months. It seemed like we were searching for answers to our questions from the minute we woke up to when we went to bed. I wanted the LDS church to be the one true religion so badly. I didn't want to give up the blessings that are promised to faithful members (blessings of eternal family and being with God after we die). I studied conference talks and websites that defend the confusing issues in the church but I still couldn't find answers.
The more I studied the more I felt like my world was crashing down on me. I eventually read an essay written by a man who had been struggling with the same questions. He spent months researching and compiled it into an essay called “Letter For My Wife”. He was a member just like us searching for the truth. He uses quotes from general authorities and real sources from the history of the church to back up his information.
Having something like that letter outline all of the many issues we had discovered in one place helped put things in perspective. It wasn’t just one or two small issues. It was 140 pages worth of questions and contradictions that just have no answer. Once Scott and I read through the letter we finally understood that the information we had been taught from childhood was completely different from the actual truth. It was a hard reality to face.
The best analogy I've heard is that it's like discovering Santa Clause isn't real as a kid. Santa does all these great things for you, and you want to believe in him so much. But once you know he’s not real, it’s just not possible to go back to believing that he’s really the one behind the presents. In this case, once we discovered the truth about the real doctrinal and historical issues behind the LDS church there was no going back. It was simply impossible to going back to the beliefs we had held before.
Where We Are Now
Many members of the LDS church are sad when others leave and they worry about them. Members are often taught that without the gospel, true happiness just isn’t possible. I’m glad to say that in our case, we’ve never been happier. Working through our faith transition has helped strengthen our marriage, and we’ve come to rely on each other even more. We have found a community and friends outside of religion who are loving and accepting. We finally feel free to be ourselves and make our own decisions based on our own morals. We are excited for the future and all the possibilities for our family.
I love my family members and friends who are LDS and I don't have any animosity towards the church. I respect everyone’s beliefs and hope that others will feel the same about ours. I feel like I'm now able to live my best life and I'm glad for those who are happy being LDS. If you have any questions about our story please feel free to reach out to me; I'm an open book.
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