Owen's Birth Story

Overall I had a pretty easy, healthy pregnancy and it seemed to go by really fast.  Even though I was healthy my doctor had me get an ultra sound at 32 weeks to check the baby's brain and make sure he didn't have hydrocephalus like Ethan did.  Luckily, his brain looked great but they found another rare abnormality called umbilical vein varix (it basically meant that there was an enlarged vein in the umbilical cord that could cause clotting and lead to still birth).  Scott and I tried to be optimistic but we were both really scared as soon as we heard the doctors mention the word still birth.  I was monitored weekly and told I would likely need to be induced as early as 37 weeks and no later than 39.  I had been planning a natural birth and avoiding as many interventions as possible.  The thought of being induced and going through labor on pitocin made me really nervous.  I tried to stay positive and accept that I'd do whatever was best for the baby.

When I made it to 39 weeks without any complications my doctor scheduled my induction for Friday 11/19.  I was already dilated to a 3 at my appointment so my doctor told me an induction should be easy.  That week I tried every way to induce labor naturally that I could think of; primrose oil, spicy food, pineapple, essential oils, walking, massage, acupressure...nothing seemed to do the trick.

On Wednesday I reached out to my doula/Bradley Method teacher from Reno.  She suggested some supplements that can help induce labor.  I took the supplements all day and got another massage with "labor stimulation" acupressure.

That night I had eggs mixed with castor oil for dinner (definitely not my favorite but it's another natural induction trick).  After that I tried using a breast pump for a few minutes and walking up the stairs for an hour.  I even tried turning on some workout videos and dancing to the Fitness Marshall.

By 10:00 pm I started having a lot of cramping that felt like intense period cramps.  I kept pumping and walking the stairs to try and get things going.  I had cramping and a few light contractions off and on for the next few hours but I started to worry a little when I didn't feel the baby moving or kicking.  I had read that pumping to induce labor can sometimes cause fetal distress so I decided to go to labor and delivery to get checked out at 2 AM.  They hooked me up to a monitor and said the baby's heart rate looked great.  I was having mild contractions that lasted around 30 seconds every 4-5 minutes.  The nurse checked me and said I was still at 3 cm.  She said she thought the contractions were just false labor and I probably would make it to Friday for my induction.

I leaned on an exercise ball through early contractions.

I went home feeling a little discouraged that all my contractions weren't the real deal.  I went to bed and woke up at 5 with really strong, cramping pains.  I still thought they might be false labor so I decided to get in the bath and try to relax a little.  When I got out of the bath I felt a pop and a huge gush of water all over my feet. I yelled to Scott, "I think my water just broke!"  We both realized at that point that I must really be in labor so I texted my doula, Kelsy.  I told her no rush and that contractions were still about 5- 4 minutes apart and 30 seconds long (thinking I still had a long labor ahead of me).

I got in the shower and was able to breathe through contractions with the water spraying on my back.  The water helped me so much through my labor and the pain was pretty manageable at that point with breathing.  I had also watched some videos on "hypnobirthing" and used some of those techniques to help manage pain.  It really helped me to think of contractions as a wave.  I would visualize a wave slowly building and then slowly washing away.  I also used positive affirmations to remind myself that my body was meant to do this and each contraction brought me closer to my baby.

 By 6:30 contractions started getting a lot more intense and I needed Scott to push on my hips while I leaned on an exercise ball.  He started timing them and they were 4 minutes apart and about 45 seconds long; the labor and delivery nurse told me to go to the hospital when they were 3 minutes apart. I asked Kelsy to come right then and Scott called his brother to come watch Ethan for us.

Everyone got there around 7 and I labored at home for another hour with Kelsy and Scott's help.  We alternated between a few different positions on the bed, using an exercise ball and on my hands and knees.  Kelsy massaged my back and hips through contractions which felt so much better!

By 8 I started getting a lot more agitated and I needed both Kelsy and Scott to help me through contractions.  I could hear Ethan screaming downstairs, which really made it hard to concentrate and breathe.  I said I wanted to go to the hospital right then and get an epidural (I didn't think I could handle the pain if it lasted much longer).  We started heading down the stairs around 8:30 and when Ethan saw me he ran up and yelled "Hi Mommy!!" He seemed so confused by what was going on.  I was able to quickly say, "Hi Ethan" when another contraction came.  This one felt different and was the most pain I had been in through my labor at that point.  I knew I must be getting close and tried to go as fast as we could out the door.

I climbed into the car on my hands and knees and felt another contraction come.  This time I felt the baby move down into my pelvis.  I felt myself "bear down" and I made a deep grunting noise. I heard Scott yell, "Crap, she's pushing!  We've got to go!"  Scott started up the car and Kelsy climbed into the back.  Luckily we live right across the street from the hospital so it was a quick drive.  On the way there Scott was driving as fast as he could and every bump made the pain so much worse.  I had another "grunting contraction" as we pulled up and Scott got a wheelchair for me.  I tried to breathe and stop pushing but the baby was coming whether I liked it or not.  I climbed onto the wheelchair on my knees because I could feel him start to crown.  Scott wheeled me into the entrance and I yelled that the baby was coming out.

The hospital entrance where I gave birth.

I stood up and leaned on the wheel chair for support.  Scott pulled down my pants and said he could see the baby's head between my legs.  He put his hands out to "catch" the baby since no one else was around yet.  The front desk person had pushed a rapid response button and a few seconds later a rush of people came to help.  I could hear people yelling behind me but it all felt like an out of body experience to me; I just wanted the baby out!  An ER nurse started to help until an OB showed up to take over. She told me to "push, push push"!  This was the only contraction where I actively pushed without my body doing it for me.

After that big push he was out at 8:55 AM (just 4 hours after I started going into labor).  Unfortunately, I didn't get to hold him right away.  I could hear him crying and the doctor showed me his face before she quickly cut the cord and took him away.  Scott went with them and I stayed behind as the nurses helped me onto the wheelchair.  I was in shock and started shaking (I'm pretty squeamish and when I looked down at the floor it wasn't a pretty sight).  I kept asking if the baby was ok.  The nurses told me he was fine but he was really gurgly so they needed to suction his lungs.

I was wheeled up to a room in labor and delivery and about 30 minutes later Scott came back with the baby.  They put him on my chest and I was in heaven.  All the chaos and pain of labor immediately went away while I snuggled him.

He latched on right away and I was able to do skin to skin for a long time before they took him away again.  We had been struggling to pick a name the entire pregnancy but as soon as we saw him we both knew his name was Owen.

I have to admit I was worried I would have a hard time loving another baby as much as I love Ethan.  As soon as I held Owen my heart felt like it could burst with love and I felt so bonded to him already.

Even though my labor was really fast (and a little chaotic at the end) I'm so happy that Owen was healthy. I love all of my boys so much and I can't imagine our family without baby Owen. 

San Francisco Vacation

For Memorial Day this year we took a quick road trip to Reno to visit family.  My sister was awesome enough to watch Ethan for a couple days so we could drive to San Francisco just the 2 of us!  We've been to San Francisco about 10 times since we've been married but we still find new things to do every time we go.  This trip we went on a gorgeous sunset cruise under the Golden Gate Bridge.  It was a little cold and windy (I'm a wimp in the cold so I had on 3 layers of coats) but it was still so fun to go sailing in the bay together.  

 The second day we went to Golden Gate Park to take paddle boats out on the lake.  Golden Gate Park is my favorite area in San Francisco. There is so much to do and it's nice to have a break from the crowded "touristy" areas.

It was a quick trip but it was fun to travel without carseats and early bedtimes for a change. The best part of the whole trip was sleeping in until 9 (which makes us laugh because that was a normal weekend for us before having kids).  We loved going by ourselves but we still can't wait to bring Ethan back to San Francisco someday to show him our favorite city.    

Why We Left the Mormon Church

My purpose in writing this post isn't to attack the LDS church or to pull anyone away from their faith. I feel like there are a lot of misconceptions when people choose to leave Mormonism and I want to share our story to hopefully clarify any questions people might have about why we left.

This journey has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.  Leaving the Mormon church was a decision I made after months of endless research and sleepless nights.  Mormonism was part of my identity and culture; 99% of my friends were Mormon and all my family members are active in the church.  The thought of leaving made me feel so anxious and alone.  What if my friends and family stopped talking to me?  What would I do without a ward as my community?  I am so lucky that Scott and I were on the same page and we leaned on each other for support as we went through this process together.  Although it hasn't been easy I can say that we are both SO much happier now and we feel like we're living more fulfilling lives.  

Our Faith Journey
Scott and I have always been the “textbook Mormons”. Baptized at 8, grew up in the gospel, went to BYUI, married in the temple. Scott is a returned missionary and most recently served as the elder’s quorum president. 

Although we were faithful members, we have both had questions about the LDS doctrine for a while.  For me they started in 2015 when a policy was announced that children of LGBT parents weren't allowed to be baptized until they were 18 (for most children the age is 8).  If they did decide to be baptized they had to denounce their parent's lifestyle.  This policy didn't make any sense to me at all and I really struggled with it.  I felt like it went against Christ's teachings to "love one another" and accept everyone without judgement.  We had lessons on the policy change in church and I remember cringing and squirming in my seat as I listened to the leaders explain the change.  Scott didn't agree with it either but we ultimately decided not to question it.  We felt it was the one true church at the time and that this was what God wanted. 

Over the next few years we continued to have a few doubts and questions about various aspects of the church but we kept them to ourselves.  We continued going to church, paying tithing and serving in callings (volunteer positions).    

When we moved to Utah going to church became a struggle.  We both agreed we didn't get much out of the lessons and wrestling a 1 year old for 3 hours of church seemed like more trouble than it was worth.  One Sunday we left church early and we talked about why we continued to go.  We told each other about all the doubts and questions we had for years.  We listed them all out and decided we would research them and try to find answers to strengthen our faith. Our list started out pretty small with questions about the double standards in the word of wisdom, racial discrimination and the priesthood, and polygamy. 

We started out with the gospel topics essays on LDS.org that were written to address controversial topics in the church (you can read them here).  As I read through the essays I began learning about even more issues I hadn't known about before.  

A big one for me was Joseph Smith's 4 different versions of the first vision.  I had been taught one version of the story since I was a little girl in primary.  I had been told that Joseph seeing God and Jesus was the foundation of our religion (it's one of the first things missionaries teach when people are investigating the church).  I always thought any other version of the first vision story was just an "anti-Mormon lie" but here were 3 other versions told by Joseph Smith.  The only one he actually wrote down told a different story than the one the church teaches.   

As I read more I discovered facts about the translation of the Book of Abraham, the true history of polygamy and I learned that the Book of Mormon translation process was completely different than the story I had been told my entire life.  As these facts began to unravel I felt deceived and confused.  

Scott and I decided to meet with our bishop to talk about the things we discovered and see if he could clarify them for us.  He was very kind and listened to our story but he unfortunately didn't have any answers or an explanation.  He told us he wasn't sure why the stories were different and that we needed to continue to pray to know that it was true.  We went home feeling so confused; how could we pray if we didn't know which version of the story was the truth? How can you ask God to give you a testimony of things you know are false or just wrong? 

We continued to research church history and it completely consumed our lives for a few months.  It seemed like we were searching for answers to our questions from the minute we woke up to when we went to bed.  I wanted the LDS church to be the one true religion so badly.  I didn't want to give up the blessings that are promised to faithful members (blessings of eternal family and being with God after we die).  I studied conference talks and websites that defend the confusing issues in the church but I still couldn't find answers.  

The more I studied the more I felt like my world was crashing down on me. I eventually read an essay written by a man who had been struggling with the same questions.  He spent months researching and compiled it into an essay called “Letter For My Wife”.  He was a member just like us searching for the truth.  He uses quotes from general authorities and real sources from the history of the church to back up his information.  

Having something like that letter outline all of the many issues we had discovered in one place helped put things in perspective. It wasn’t just one or two small issues. It was 140 pages worth of questions and contradictions that just have no answer. Once Scott and I read through the letter we finally understood that the information we had been taught from childhood was completely different from the actual truth. It was a hard reality to face. 

The best analogy I've heard is that it's like discovering Santa Clause isn't real as a kid.  Santa does all these great things for you, and you want to believe in him so much. But once you know he’s not real, it’s just not possible to go back to believing that he’s really the one behind the presents.  In this case, once we discovered the truth about the real doctrinal and historical issues behind the LDS church there was no going back. It was simply impossible to going back to the beliefs we had held before.  

Where We Are Now
Many members of the LDS church are sad when others leave and they worry about them.  Members are often taught that without the gospel, true happiness just isn’t possible. I’m glad to say that in our case, we’ve never been happier.  Working through our faith transition has helped strengthen our marriage, and we’ve come to rely on each other even more.  We have found a community and friends outside of religion who are loving and accepting.  We finally feel free to be ourselves and make our own decisions based on our own morals. We are excited for the future and all the possibilities for our family.

I love my family members and friends who are LDS and I don't have any animosity towards the church.  I respect everyone’s beliefs and hope that others will feel the same about ours. I feel like I'm now able to live my best life and I'm glad for those who are happy being LDS.  If you have any questions about our story please feel free to reach out to me; I'm an open book.  

Family Pictures

These pictures were taken in August and I'm just now posting them on our blog :) We had Cali Stoddard take our pictures in Alta Canyon and love the way they turned out!

Ethan's Birth Story

October 6th, 2016:

I was 2 days past my due date and feeling HUGE!  I decided to book a last minute pre-natal massage and see if that would jump start my labor.  The massage must have worked because on my way home I started having light contractions.  I got home and told Scott I thought I was in labor.  We were SO excited and thought we might have a baby by the end of the night.  We decided to go to frozen yogurt and go for a little walk in the park to see if it would help things progress a little more.  

I had contractions on and off through the afternoon but they were pretty manageable.  After dinner I started feeling them in my low back and the pain felt more like stabbing low back pain.  The next few hours were a blur but I remember the contractions becoming really intense and close together.  

We timed them and realized they were in the “active labor” timing of our chart from our birth class.  Our doula was out of town so we called the back up doula to ask her what we should do.  She told us to stay calm and stop timing the contractions, which was really hard because the contractions were coming so close together.  I labored through the night and early the next day the contractions slowed down.  I tried my best to lie down in bed for a while and get some sleep.  

October 7th:

The next day we were exhausted but the contractions had stopped.  My doula came over to help me move into different positions to help the baby move down a little.  She told me contractions usually start back up in the evenings and to call her when they did.  That afternoon they started back up and by 3 am they were really painful and close enough to call the doula.  She came over right at the point when I felt like giving up and going to the hospital for an epidural.  She was so calm and brought a sense of renewal to me. She helped me labor at home for the next 6 hours.  We tried different walking and lunging techniques, essential oils and massage.  

October 8th:

After a long night of labor we decided it was time to go to the hospital around 9 am.  Ashley helped me get into the back seat on my hands and knees while Scott drove.  I had 2 strong contractions in the car and could feel the baby lower in my pelvis.  He was coming!  I felt like I was in a dream at this point and just wanted to get to the hospital! 

When we made it things progressed really quickly and it was a blur for me.  As soon as I showed up the baby started crowning and I barely had time to climb onto the hospital bed and put on a gown (there wasn't even time for an IV).  2 pushes later Ethan was finally here!  

As soon as they handed Ethan over to me and I immediately started crying.  I cried out, “My baby!”  I felt a wave of emotion come over me after working so hard to bring my little one into the world.  I looked up at Scott and I couldn't believe that cute, sweet baby boy was ours.  He was so tiny and snuggled right up to me on my chest; we loved our baby boy so much already.